My Very Nice Guests

​I just need to bitch for a minute (or 30) so feel free to ignore this post.


I had the absolute nicest, worst guests in my BnB for three nights which resulted in me cleaing it for 12 hours today (OK 11 hours, really, as I did break for meals and more Outlander... oh...can we talk about my new Scottish accent and Jamie Fraser??? ... I digress).
 
First Night:
A husband, wife and almost 2 year-old from a town of 800 people somewhere in Wisconsin arrive for a 3 night stay. Why this matters I know not but I am painting some picture.
 
Oh, and they had dogs. Two.
 
Two of the most adorable, ill-mannered dogs ever! A beagle, Art, who was a hundred and ten years old with the hugest tumor ever seen on a living beagle and something that he refused to allow impede his walk. OK the tumor was the size of a Catawba melon and on a beagle you know there is not a lot of ground space. Loved how Art managed this as, "whatever" and his younger, and quite active, and sexy, I might add, girlfriend, Callie who was such a mixed breed one could only guess her lineage. So her parents got around. I don't judge.
 
The moment humans were gone, the barking began....all weekend long and mostly from the old codger. Ever hear a beagle bark? And bark. And bark and bark and bark and bark. OK you feel me.
 
So, on night one, I hear water… dripping while I am eating dinner. Laa dee da and wait what? ... dripping water WTF? I find my bathroom ceiling is raining...and raining ugly water, too. ewww. I charge upstairs to find the parents totally clueless and their almost-2 year old in the bathroom and yes... plogged sink, running faucet and… scene! (Actor joke)
 
Yes, I also thought about the drowning issue but I digress from my bitching. I am going for comedy.
 
Yes, enough water that the basement laundry room was bathed in this ewww water.
But as I said, they were so nice...so they were mortified and offered to pay to fix anything. I contacted AirBnB (and I LOVE their Host guarantee) and started a claim that night and told the very nice guests that this was the best way to manage this "accident" and please stop yelling at their baby and good night.
Wahh and ewww
 
Day 1
Jim agreed to dog sit prior to their booking the place. The terms were clear: take the dogs to our gated backyard (not a walk) every 6 hours. OK. And then... Woops Jim forgot… he had a doctor appointment in Naperville. Really? Huh! And I, too, had a doctor appointment which was why I said I couldn't watch the dogs. Grr and grrr and guess where the dog watching responsibility ended up? Yep. Did I say...grrr? Now for me a 30-minute drive to Northlake followed by my weekly babysitting job followed by another babysitting job in Winnetka just minutes from each other and now I have to squeeze in a trip (30 minutes each way) back home. And guess what? I drove the 30 minutes home to get a text 2 blocks away "Never mind, we're coming back. Our two year old is tired and is acting up." Of course, mom, a nap for the little one. Sure…. and wait, what? Oh crap. grrrr
 
So, that was fun and a waste of gas and time. Did I mention that the afternoon babysitting gig was canceled amidst this insane booking? Kach-ing? ka-chong! And forget the other errands planned that day.
 
Later that night....
Jim can no longer stand the barking and goes up to the apartment and spends 90 minutes, as he said, "In pure bliss” as these two dogs could not cuddle with him more." Again the nice guests were truly grateful. OK no harm no foul (I guess-if you ignore the 2 hours of barking that Jim endured before he couldn't take it anymore).
 
Day 2
Oh yes, the story doth continue...
I met them in the front hall at 8:00 am as I was greeting the contractors who were starting the exterior make-over of this bungalow....more on that another time. But this started the beginning of the barking. Did I mention my sitting job had me home at 2:00 am so I had about 4.5 hours of sleep? Power washing is a loud process if you have not experienced it. Back to the dogs Jim loves. After multiple visits up to the BnB to try to quiet them, we finally decided to just move the yappers to the basement apartment where they and Jim had some more Kumbaya moments lasting until the evening. The nice guests paid Jim… so a day and night that Jim did not expect at least made a small ka-ching and a lot less woofing.
 
Oh wait, I failed to mention the highlight.
 
Remember the dogs that never stopped barking? Well, when I went upstairs, I discovered that the sexy dog, the one that was not crated (The guests borrowed my crate and it is now mangled and hard to open grrr…-again I digress, please excuse me augh). …the uncrated girlfriend mix-breed broke down the barn door dividing her from the front room and the kitchen where they were barricaded. And said barn door? It landed on my end table, shattered the glass top and was keeping the two dogs apart …thus the reason for the insane barking. And don't be fooled, tempered glass shatters into splinters. A lot of splinters. So, that was fun. And I am not digressing.
 
And as the world turns...
 
Day 3
They checked out at 10:30 am. Today. Yay. I started to clean the apartment at 11:30. Seriously, people? How can you, in such a short amount of time...and not being home for most of your stay, foul up my apartment so much? The motto “Leave it the way you found it” apparently did not make any sense to this very nice couple.
 
I forgot to mention that the first night, when I came up to show them the pop up tent for Dennis the Menace, I saw a fresh dog puddle in the bedroom. Yes, I gave them my carpet cleaner. And yes, I explained how to use it and yes, I told them to dump the tank into the toilet and yes that did not happen. What I found that was making the living room stink when I retrieved the dogs on sweltering Saturday (and yes, they left every air conditioner on in the place so the dogs were comfortable… even if they were not able to get into the very, very empty locked air conditioned bedrooms.) Anyway, the pee was still in the tank and the carpet cleaner was put in the closet.... that now reeked… and I wanted to puke but didn’t. grrr
 
Am I done bitching? Close. Hang in there.
 
So, what did I find after this 3 night stay?
 
Three huge urine stains on the bed comforter: Child or animal, I know not. But ewwww The rest of the bed linens, including all four bed pillows, were stained with whatever so badly that bleach, oxy clean and a prayer made no difference. wah  And my brand new, lovely white deco pillows that cost way too much even in TJ Maxx? Yes, they had yellow stains. This begs the question: Do I have a waterproof mattress cover? Of course! It's me, for goodness sake.
 
Now, don't you fret and don't you frown, 'cause I caught that branch on the way back down.... (so goes the song). I am a Super Host on AirBnB and they LOVE their hosts and provide wonderful coverage, so I am not at all worried about getting the money to fix, replace and manage the destruction-repair costs. Not my first rodeo with this type of thing. AirBnB makes their Host guarantee process so simple should these guests not pay and I will wager you they will ignore this claim.  
 
Thanks for listening. I would be remiss if I did not mention that these super nice guests left, not one.. but two quarts of unopened Moose Tracks in the freezer. And yes, those 12 hours of cleaning, laundry and multiple triple stair flight calorie loss was completely killed....by my very nice guests.